Inside Prince Harry's tribute to the Queen

Good morning, and welcome to an entirely new Great Britain, a motherless one you may not recognize: a new Albion where Charles is King, where beleaguered party tart divorcée Fergie gets custody of the Queen’s corgis, where the Windsor brothers and their wan girlie girls with the scrawniest of ankles walked in a straight line together, and where Little Prince Lou is making headlines for his touching, Ruthkanda Forever-adjacent tribute to his great Granny. One thing remains the same, though: Harry’s milking this damn thing like he’s an itinerant dairy worker in a Thomas Hardy novel.

On the landing page of the Archewell website, the propaganda arm of Meghan Markle’s podcasting company and commercial chicken coop, Harry posted a statement in dramatic white-on-black. In the second paragraph, the Prince makes a direct address to Lilibet Emeritus.

Harry also thanked the Queen for her commitment to service, her sound advice, and her infectious smile. He does not speak to the distinct qualities of King Daddy, however, though he does “honour” him.

Sort of a lackluster tribute after all the fuss about the balcony and the book deal of it all.

It’s okay, sweet, thick Prince: not everyone can write about the Queen with grace, good humor, and impressive specificity like we do over here. But you tried, and that’s all that matters. Meghan’s name is notably left off of the eulogy, and I assume it’s because her statement on the three profound times she met the Queen is forthcoming in her best calligraphy. It certainly will not happen in audio format on an upcoming episode of her smash hit podcast Archetypes, seeing as it is temporarily on ice for mourning purposes. And just when panicked parent company Spotify was finally getting a return on their investment almost three years after forking over eight figures to the Fabulous Markle Twins with barely a BetterHelp ad to show for it.

Harry and Meghan are extending their trip to the UK after a botched first leg, and they are even considering shipping Lilibet Jr., the New Supreme, and Archie in for the funeral later this month with their maternal grandmother Doria Ragland. There’s no word yet if Harry will speak at the funeral, or what Nacho Figueras has to say about all this.